Reflection on myself

I have 20% of battery left, and 20 minutes to just keep writing. I do not know what i will write about. I think writing can be quite hard, sometimes it is just a moment of words falling out of you brain that make sense. But more times it's us having an idea, and then trying to convey it to the world and actually have somebody understand it. The inside of my brain is a jumble, but what comes out should be crystal clear.

I am going to write about an observation I made today. I was rustled and frustrated over several things that cause me anxiety. What? It is the application of for a student visa for this August when I will travel to Sweden to do my second year of master's study. Really I hate applying for visa's. I hate the administration and the anxious, helpless feeling I get when all I can do is wait for the Embassy's reply.
Anyways, so I was anxious. I started having difficulty in focusing, and then as one thing falls out of focus, it seems my whole world starts to follow. Then comes the unfortunate events. There are things such as many of my possesions starting to break, my money runs low, I forget loads of things everywhere, I drop things. It is like a cloud of negativity and bad luck form around me and grows in space as I continue to feel anxious, suffocating me and further increasing my anxiety which in turn fuels the negative cloud around me.

It is time to step back, breathe. Look at the things I can do, and do them one by one. Do not look at the big picture in this time of panicked stress. It will overwhelm me. I am perpetually bothered by a degree of competitiveness and perfectionism. If, especially in times of stress, I perceived others around me to be better off, or doing better. I will always start to compare my work, my activities with theirs. And feel I must do better. Perfection may be relative, and my version of perfection seems to be reliant on the work of others. Of course, if I perceive my work as better than my peers, then I shrug it off, and feel job well done. While quite possibly, the same work when compared with a different set of peers, one who complete much higher quality, would result in a panic state on my part.

I recognize it is thus part of who I am, that I am motivated by the direct influence of the peers around me. For me to obtain better results, I should be put in an environment with higher results than mine, so I will be always challenged.

The downpart, there must be a down part. Being second best, or having peers that I perceive to be working much harder than me, or creating better quality work than me, or working longer than me, makes me anxious. I lose confidence in myself and my work. I don't know what level my work is on, and I always start to feel like my work is shit (even though it may well be quite decent).

I must find a balance between trying to strive to be the best, and having confidence in myself.
Having a clear, limited, end goal may be a solution, or a helpful tactic.
Clear end goal is quite understandable, but limited? Let me explain. I need to limit myself, because if I don't, I start to envision that my work must be in the greatest capacity known to mankind to be significant. I need to write a report, not an encyclopedia entry. I need to write a blog post for today, not make a million dollars as a famous guest blogger. Having this limit will help me to measure my work more objectively, and have more confidence in myself.

I am still on the search for more tips, tactics, and understanding myself to make a better me.

Paradox: Big cities are friendly

Are large cities capable of being friendly?

I just spent a semester in Paris. There is a stereotype that the French are cold and arrogant. Well my experience in Paris unfortuneatly quite reinforces that myth. It’s really hard to get with the Parisiennes if you don’t know how to speak French. I even have friends who are French but don’t come from Paris, and even they say they do not like Parisiennes because they are so snobby!

Paris is a beautiful city, a city to be proud of for sure. No wonder the Parisiennes are so arrogant!

Dublin, on the contrary, is small and warm and friendly. Quite laid back, Dubliners treat you with a surprising closeness. We entered a convenience shop once, and were looking at the newspapers to find an ad for a room to rent. We asked the shopkeeper, and he helped us by showing us the right newspaper, then flipping through it to show us where the section was. 

In Paris, it seems like sometimes they do not want your money. I was in line to order the classic Berthillion ice cream in the heart of the city, and it seemed like I was only a bother to the waitress behind the ice cream bar. She would rather spend her time doing nothing and looking pretty. Parisiennes always look beautifully depressed and are ready to complain about anything and everything.

Maybe once upon a time, Paris was as warm as Dublin. Maybe it was a small city, where most people knew each other. Then it started to grow, and thrived. Then it may have started attracting people of all sorts. People who wanted in on this good life. Unfortunately not everyone is virtuous, some people want the easy way and will prey on others weaker than themselves.

In a situation like that, I guess everyone would be paranoid.

Maybe big cities do not have time for being nice. People have a long way to commute and many things to do.

Nah, I think it could be nice, at least people can be decent to each other.

View of the big city of Paris from atop Notre Dame.

Side street off Grafton Street, counts as big street in city center.

Dear Chrisant, before your presentation remember: Boring Children Love Sugar

Dear Chrisant,

I have known you for many years now, and it joys me to see you grow and develop yourself. I know you have many things inside you that want to come up and exist in the world. But the world is a cluttered and harsh place. If those things want to live, they must stand strong, else they will be lost amidst the thousands of other things screaming for a place. Your things deserve to live, and if you believe that, you will fight in any and every way to make it possible.

When you make a presentation, formal/informal

Here is the slogan to help remember: Boring Children Love Sugar

1. Breathe, listen to your breathe. Listen how relaxed you are, how excited you are, how ready you are.
2. Count down aloud in your head (challenge here!) before presentation. Five, Four, Three, Two, One.
3. SPEAK LOUD. You are softspoken, but not soft minded. Let other people hear what you have to say. Enounciate, speak clearly and be confident of your words. 
4. SPEAK S L O W. People need to hear and understand you. They need time to absorb your ideas. If you speak to be understood, people will be able to relate to you, connect with you, and give you all your support.

The sleepy drinker

I’m so sleepy. Yeah of course it is this hour. We went out for drinks and snacks at a friends place. Remi and Paco. And we stayed quite late. Then Paco and Remi were kinda drunk and wanted to go out to another pub, they wanted more beer as theirs had run out. And Adri had to go home, walk home quite a while away. So we all got up to go out. I had a feeling there probably wasn’t a pub open, and secretly hoping it because I was sleepy. And for some reason I felt like I had enough beer. I don’t think I like beer as much as I did before.. I like the sensation of wine though.

The other day we were eating Chinese food. At a Szechuan restaurant. It was a pretty authentic place. They had two menus, a mandarin and English one. But the English one contained far less items, and generally more expensive. We ordered noodles. And I ordered Tan tan mien, spicy spicy noodles with ground meat. It was SPICY. But it was nice. And CHEAP! 5.5 euros! Loved it! We are going AGAIN!

Anyways, we were talking about how when eating spicy foods, it can make me lightheaded. I came to the realization that having spicy foods and having alcohol had the same effect on me. For spicyness it is a little more intense.  I get the equivalent of a brain freeze, a strong pounding brain freeze. But for both I get lightheaded.

When I drink alcohol, I get sleepy. Maybe this makes me not a very fun drinker? But there I go, quite and watching other people. Observing what they do. It is quite strange to me. Maybe I am over thinking this. I think I am.  But one thing is that its starting not to be a nice physical experience being drunk. I get bloated or nausea from all the beer. Wine is quite a nice effect on me. But I don’t like the blueteeth we get from wine. My stomach is one my weakneses on this part. If I’m not careful it leads to puking.

Thoughts on giving to beggars

I just read about a man, who lives a very simple life. Has an occupation as a beggar. And gives all his begging earned money to the poor.

I have also just read about a man, who takes on odd jobs for a living. Everymonth he donates 400 euro to the poor. Every Friday, he goes around town with food boxes, giving it around to the poor, becak riders, and the homeless.

These kind of stories are inspiring, but they also leave you feeling guilty. These people are inspiring because they don’t enjoy luxury. Imagine if they enjoy a little luxury, would the story be as strong? What if they go home and take a bath in their Jacuzzi? Would the selfless giving of food pay for the selfish hot expensive Jacuzzi bath?

These people seem to be so selfless. Why don’t I get up and do this too? Help a lot of people.

Then I remember the excuses I make for not doing these things.

First: giving to the poor just teaches them to receive. If you do it continually, they may spot that and take advantage of it. Without making more effort to improve their lives. That is the reason why I don’t agree in begging. You just ask people for money, without contributing to society. (HOW are you contributing to society these days? It’s a question to ask yourself. For me, I am being a polite member of society, and I’m studying to build a better trade back home)

Second: its better to give them a pole and a hook, rather than a fish.. But giving a man a pole and teaching a man to fish requires quite a lot of time and effort invested. The returns may not be satisfying. In fact, people may even spit in your face after receiving your help. It is not a surprising aspect of human nature.

Third: how much do they really need food?

Fourth: There are far too many mouths to feed, then one could possibly give out food packets.

Good thing: Free goods in decent shape is a nice thing to receive. It may brighten up someone’s day. It may not solve all their problems, but it may give a boost.

The supplier of the food packets will also be lucky.

So for example, there is a guy on the bridge.

Let’s say you give him a sandwich. He will be grateful. He will be less hungry. He may not show the gratitude. He may be too busy with his food. He may not like the food and just discard it, but really if he is chronically hungry, he will eat it.

Giving a person a sandwich will not improve his life in the long term, except from giving this person a bit of humanity, which he may in turn give to others in other instances.

Imagine in Jakarta, you show up on a  road intersection with 20 packs of rice. And start to give it to the children. A group of older boys, premans come and ask for their share.

“Mana buat kita? Kita juga lapar”

“Bang, nasi bungkusnya hanya ada 20 nih. Bareng2 aja yah.”

“Mana kenyang?”

“Ya adanya segini.”

“Ya bawa lebih donk.” -à ini mayan keterlaluan sih, tapi namany juga preman..

“Bawa aja sendiri.”à Bikin marah gak ya kalo jawab ini..

Prologue

This is a story of 24 students, who were having the time of their lives!
They had assembled from 18 different corners of the world to absorb knowledge like a sponge and spit out innovation after innovation in the food industry.
The program was a joint master program, which meant unluckily, or rather luckily, they had to carry out the studies in 3 different countries in Europe.
First semester was in the city of lights, the city of love. Paris!
The work in Paris was grueling, they barely had quality time to spend with Paris.
And without anyone realizing, their time in Paris was coming to an end. As the next city, Dublin, loomed in the future, the students worked hard with eager anticipation for their next adventure.

Sadly, they never got to see Dublin.

Missing someone

I am far from being the only person in the world that is missing someone.
The trick is not to dwell on it. Because the emotion can consume you entirely, crippling your every move, stifling your every thought.